SPACED OUT

Writing is a funny thing. You sit in your room and listen to voices and write everything down. Thinking about what kind of a person does that, I shrug a little. Cold weather, sun gazing back and forth underneath the cloudy sky, warm yellow rays wafting through the window of my room, beautiful yet normal resembling my lost yet unfaded state of mind.

Warming up my hands I sigh deeply and start to paw at my computer. After a while of click-click-click-click… clack-clack-clack, the rattling sound of keypad began to annoy me. It is past one hour and the draft is absolute rubbish. Every day I write something, fuss over it, proclaim it unworthy and delete it. It’s agony, and I’m getting nowhere. I could feel my fingers itching to write something, but what?

I am spaced out completely. It is happening a lot lately. Writing to me comes naturally but some days it doesn’t. Today is probably one of those days. I’d rather step into the office and knock out a dozen emails, which might still equate to 2,000 words than sit down and put pen to paper a 1,500-word article.

The human mind is a very polluted and cluttered place to be, so mulling over every thought feels so gruelling. None of it is spoken out loud or jolted down, all of this is going in my head. Rambling over the idea of what must be said and done first, I am snowed under.

Drop-dead the clock is ticking and there is still a lot to straighten out, but thank goodness for the bright rays wafting through the window of my heart. After continuous juggling and tossing my thoughts, I came to realize, maybe I am turning a molehill into a mountain and that anything great is not written overnight, or in a week.

So hitting the backspace key, I begin to write down anything possibly raw and random. Every time I find myself stuck in a situation like this that I cannot escape, I pen down every raw thought. On top of that, it is how I see through things, to gain clarity which is exactly how and why I wrote this article.

Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.

Natalie Goldberg