Personal – SALONI'S PEN

SPACED OUT

Writing is a funny thing. You sit in your room and listen to voices and write everything down. Thinking about what kind of a person does that, I shrug a little. Cold weather, sun gazing back and forth underneath the cloudy sky, warm yellow rays wafting through the window of my room, beautiful yet normal resembling my lost yet unfaded state of mind.

Warming up my hands I sigh deeply and start to paw at my computer. After a while of click-click-click-click… clack-clack-clack, the rattling sound of keypad began to annoy me. It is past one hour and the draft is absolute rubbish. Every day I write something, fuss over it, proclaim it unworthy and delete it. It’s agony, and I’m getting nowhere. I could feel my fingers itching to write something, but what?

I am spaced out completely. It is happening a lot lately. Writing to me comes naturally but some days it doesn’t. Today is probably one of those days. I’d rather step into the office and knock out a dozen emails, which might still equate to 2,000 words than sit down and put pen to paper a 1,500-word article.

The human mind is a very polluted and cluttered place to be, so mulling over every thought feels so gruelling. None of it is spoken out loud or jolted down, all of this is going in my head. Rambling over the idea of what must be said and done first, I am snowed under.

Drop-dead the clock is ticking and there is still a lot to straighten out, but thank goodness for the bright rays wafting through the window of my heart. After continuous juggling and tossing my thoughts, I came to realize, maybe I am turning a molehill into a mountain and that anything great is not written overnight, or in a week.

So hitting the backspace key, I begin to write down anything possibly raw and random. Every time I find myself stuck in a situation like this that I cannot escape, I pen down every raw thought. On top of that, it is how I see through things, to gain clarity which is exactly how and why I wrote this article.

Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.
Natalie Goldberg

STAYING SANE

The pandemic of coronavirus has shattered the human soul.

It has changed life as we know it. Schools and offices are shut down, we’re restricted to our homes and the future feels very unpredictable. Why write at a stage like this?

For one, we are living through history. It’s a chronology. Future historians may gaze back on the narratives, articles, stories, and art that ordinary people are cultivating now to tell the saga of life during the coronavirus.

But writing can also be deeply therapeutic. It sort of heals you. It can be a means to express our notions, hopes, and joys. It can help us make understand the world and our place in it.

Let’s, go back to when this all started. A lot of folks were thinking: “It’s just 14 days. Things will bounce back to usual soon.” 13th day of the lockdown 1.0, I was eager, ‘Yayyy, the quarantine veil is gonna lift finally’ until I understood how COVID 19 virus has whirled the world upside down and every country is trying to combat the pandemic.

All things considered, it’s wiser to concentrate on the immediate and not get ahead of ourselves. This will keep us sane.

So, every one of us is quarantined and isolated in our houses. Students’ every day waking up early, taking online classes. Watching the lecture in sleepy eyes and sometimes “accidentally” falling asleep while listening. Folks working from home go from wearing ironed shirts and boxers in zoom meeting to struggling to find a decent corner in the chaotic house for online conferences. In short, their day is pretty much slated (It’s a myth).

Idle folks like me, have enough time to practice and develop a more positive mindset. There’s nothing dreadful about it. The brighter side to this is we have an abundance of free time and food on our plates to unleash our creativity during social separation (remembering to be grateful here).

As the line says “good food, good mood” and with a lot of time in my hands, I have been experimenting a lot with learning new dishes. Surprisingly, this period is about eating real food. ~~No processed junked food~~.

Made some of the best memories around the dining table this year.

My hobby now includes eating and also thinking about the next time I will be eating. The ending be like – I feel guilty for over-eating (every time).

Well, most of my other enjoyment would be in painting, sketching, writing, baking cakes (the same recipe), catching up with my leftover books, and rarely exercising (bought a yoga mat tho).

I never knew that I could paint 🎨 cause my hands tend to shiver! But when boredom hits you, you can pretty much do everything. So I started painting and it turns out that I’m not that bad!

Quarantine is and shall always be about goofing around the house, tiptoeing to the kitchen at midnight, and back and forth. Figuring out what you are gonna do after life is back to normal. Managing the work profile and getting a source of income for daily meals. Reaching out for needy people. Lying back with arms under the head – watching the room ceiling and think of how grateful we are for what we all have and much more. The list is very long.

Pandemic made us all do weird yet great stuff. Life during pandemic is full of stories and whether serious or funny, happy, or sad. Above all, we are enjoying our family lunch and dinner. Never in life, we are going to have these precious moments again, so embrace it.

It feels like it’s been months. But it has been, honestly, an unbelievable period. From being insane at first to becoming sane about the whole pandemic situation, we all got used to it in the end, started to be thankful for the first time in the longest time.

Tara Gandhi Bhattacharjee wrote in the article about “Cosmic Fury As A Spiritual Wake up Call” she says, ‘Human beings are certainly not the most important life in the canvas of creation. It’s human beings’ concept that human life is the superior-most. Even at the highest intellectual and spiritual level, humans can think and act within the limitations of the human mind. What do we know about other lives? What is their philosophy?” So, let’s not forget that every life is special and different. Value your surroundings.

We will get through this, one way or the other. With so much tragedy and treacherous politics, it can be hard to imagine a future. Even after the whole pandemic comes to an end, lives everywhere are back to normal, there’s a lot to worry about in this brave new world.

Like Pope Francis once said, “Let us all work together and do our best, for a future where every life respects the other life.”

Till then, keep going. Be kind to yourself and others around you. Take care fellas!

CAN I RENEGOTIATE WITH DEATH?

In memory of our loved ones when they pass

I know you’ve lost someone, and it hurts. The feeling of falling apart, like your heart is halted all over again just by the sudden rush of unpleasant memories. The sound of the heart being smashed into millions of pieces, sending chills over the body. And after so many years of getting over this heartbroken phase of life, one day you suddenly find yourself standing right there in the middle of every misery that caused you so many sufferings. You never actually get over the miseries that changed your life.

Dying possibly is one of those things that almost no one seems to want to do but everyone has to do eventually (someday). It’s difficult, even for grownups, to understand why this must happen.

Still, it’s quite a risky topic of discussion.

Missing my chance to say goodbye — and longing for her last words.

“For about a week after my grandmother passed away, I couldn’t cope up with the truth but always found myself going back to the last night I spent with her. She was sick and pale. Barely had enough strength to talk. Following dusk, we had our meals and sat with her – talking and laughing, trying to make her feel comfortable with the environment and herself. Around midnight we went to bed with happy faces. Little did we know that it was our last conversation. Eventually, the next morning, she never woke up. She suffered from cardiac arrest. Now, when words were spread about her demise, relatives began to pour in, some were offering condolences and some were sitting in silence. I went to the room where she was lying lifeless. I wanted to see her for the last time to imprint her face in my mind and heart forever. As I went near her, accidentally I happened to touch her hand and for a minute I froze there. She was cold as ice and corpse. I was in complete denial. Pretty soon I realized that death can, and often does, strikes without warning.”

I dream of her often and still miss her. It has been almost 7 years already, but it still feels like it only happened yesterday!

The last lesson that the old lady left me to figure out was Death. I’d never been through it before. I was 16 and, up to that point, my family had been intact. The very first faceoff with the disheartening reality of life was – death. I call it the season of misery. Though rain kept on pouring and hence, leaving no difference between the raindrops and teardrops.

Can I decide to forgive you? I’m not there yet, but I’m trying.

I see you come to everyone. Maybe it was her time.

Maybe in the spiritual world, we made this agreement with you. I’d like to renegotiate.

Here’s a thing about death that there are many things I do not know and may never know. But I do know that it will happen, someday, to all of us.

Can I renegotiate the way I feel about you, Death? Or are you my forever enemy? You’re the taker, but do you have a benevolent side?

It doesn’t matter. You took her from me, Death! You snatched her while she slept, happily packed to come to see me.

Damn you, Death! I’m angry at your cruelty. Why did you take her from me?

You left me in a miserable state, it’s harder to forgive you – I’m trying.

I was in a phase of panic and anxiety and feelings of unreality with intense sadness, which felt overwhelming. I even worried about my existence. It took me so long to get back to the reality of what we call life.

I mourned about almost everything I could relate to.

I know it’s important to let one grieve in their way. To learn how to work through grief. It takes a hell of a time. After all, it’s finding out who I am once again without the attachment to her.

Making peace with the nature of life.

Take care of yourself. With the loss of a relationship comes the loss of love emanating from another that one has felt all along.

I’m still accepting you, death!

When this happened, the best I could do is accept death as a fact of life. It happens, and I can’t do anything to change it. The truth about death lays plain the harshness of the grave… but also the true beauty of the life we already have.

Death, you made it harder for us to say our goodbyes, how do you do this to families?

Death, you’re the awful thing to ever happen in all of existence. But I believe no one should worry or wonder about it for very long. There are too many wonderful things to experience in the many, many years ahead.

Death – I forgive you. That’s me practicing.

Life is a precious gift we are unable to recreate once it’s gone.

No one is assured tomorrow. The only thing we can count on is today.

Therefore, in the end, I always have believed in’ Death takes the body. God takes the soul. Our mind holds the memories. Our heart keeps the love. Our faith lets us know we’ll meet again.

Category: Personal